"Cade proposed to me four years ago today! I like this anniversary date. It doesn't get celebrated like our actual wedding anniversary, which is in two and a half months.. But I love remembering this day four years ago.
Proposals take a lot of courage. I wouldn't want to be in the dude's shoes. But, I especially wouldn't have wanted to be in Cade's shoes....
On the Sunday after I had said "Yes" to marrying Cade, I was talking to a girl who had been engaged in the past-that engagment had ended and at that time she was just in a relationship with a friend of ours. She asked how Cade had proposed. And well, in answering that question, there wasn't much to go on and on about. It was simple. I probably tried to make it sound like a little more than this, but this was basically it:
He took me for a walk to a park that we had both been to before together and liked, and there he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.
Her reply: "Oh, my ex-fiance proposed to me in a boring way kind of like that too". ...Odd comment. But I have had my fair share of foot-in-the-mouth or just bad-choice-of-words kind of comments- that I wish other people would just forget...so I don't have much room to talk. We all say really stupid stuff sometimes.
Still. I felt like he didn't get enough credit. There was a lot more to Cade's proposal than most people could find out by asking a quick question of, "How did he propose?"
The long story is...
Our love story leading up to the engagement wasn't completely smooth sailing. Looking back, I'm glad now, that it wasn't. Cade and I learned a lot about each other in the (almost) year we dated that has continued to help us in our marriage throughout the last (almost) four years.
When we started talking about marriage I wondered, how did something seem and feel so right but feel so scary? I couldn't sort out the thoughts and feelings battling inside of me.
I broke up with him.
He was a little bit blindsided.
I thought I was just doing what I needed to do.
But, I felt no relief. Even more confusion.
I really needed him.
And finally I did find relief when he checked on me a few days after our break-up.
And again relief when he came to my house at my request a few days after that and helped me sort out my thoughts and feelings and talk about things.
From that point until our engagement we worked together to fight through my anxieties and fears concerning marriage. I realized it wasn't anything about him that made me afraid our doubt having a happy marriage. It was me that I was afraid of. I recognize now that I am constantly doubting myself. I give Satan way too much space to hang out in my head and make me wonder if I can do all the things that I know I want to do.
In those months leading up to our engagement, I found out how much Satan exits. I found out that he knows a lot about me and knows where to try to get me. And how hard he will try to stop a good thing. I also found out a lot about my Savior and loving Heavenly Father; and the choices they offer, the help they give and the love that they have. Also that their power is far greater than Satan's.
I felt confident often that marrying Cade was the right thing to do. Heavenly Father put people in my path who helped me. My parents, friends, Bishop... Everything and everyone pointed me in the right direction to keep moving forward. But I still hit walls. I still let doubt in.
We picked out a ring. It was one way of moving forward. But I still had fears. And Cade knew that. Probably a week or two after picking out our ring, sitting on Cade's couch with him, I hit a wall. Someone who struggles with depression or anxiety might understand this more than someone who doesn't. But, let me try to paint a picture for someone who might not. I was sitting there in that room with Cade but I didn't feel like I was in that room. I was stuck in my head. It was dark and it was cloudy and I couldn't get out. I felt frozen. I've never experienced anything like that before or since.
The way that Cade and I had usually in the past found a way for me to get out of my head and to think more clearly was to walk and talk. So we got up from his couch, left his house and went for a long walk. But before we did, without me knowing he went into his room and packed a ring in his pocket. what?why?dillusional kid...;)
This was a walk that we had been on before. To a park that we liked. A simple park in a neighborhood. On that walk I probably rambled on and on about my fears and all of my "what-ifs?". When we got to that park I went to sit down at one of the tables and that is when Cade pulled the ring out of his pocket and got down on one knee. Every ounce of fear and anxiety I had had was gone at that moment and it never came back. Our engagement was perfect. I don't know why there were no longer fears after the proposal, possibly it was just taking that leap and we were blessed for it? I don't know. But I am really grateful.
Cade knew I didn't want a big, crazy, all-out proposal. I couldn't handle that. Any hint that he might be getting ready to ask me would have fueled my anxiety. He knew my struggles and concerns. He acted at the right time and in the right way. And when anyone else would have been CRAZY to propose and expect a yes back. I don't know what he was thinking....but whatever crazy thought (impression?) that he had, I'm glad he followed through with it.
Maybe he saw a glimpse of the strength that I had that I was learning myself about in that time as well. A strength that promised I would always work hard to get out of dark places. That I wouldn't ever just let myself be but that I would work hard to overcome any challenges that came my way.
I learned that prayers are answered. That when you want and hope for something and have faith it can be, you'll meet that guy who you prayed as a young girl to one day meet. But it might come with opposition. Satan also knows what good goals we have or good things we want in our life and he'll try to stop us from choosing it.
And when he does we have to remember our agency and remember all over again what we wanted. Then do whatever it takes to achieve it."
- June's Post
I am so glad I chose to marry Cade. He was definitely the best decision I have ever made. Today I am loving looking through pictures and seeing how far we have come and what we are building together. Life is good!
